Toilet Weasel
by ZaCloud
Summary: Prepare for toilet-humor (literally!). My first comedy and second fanfic, about what happens when a Gundam pilot REALLY has to go! ^_^


Toilet-Weasel  
By: Sonja the Saiya-jin  
  
(Note: Prepare for toilet humor, literally. In the Gundam world, any excuse is an excuse to fight.)  
This story is dedicated to my little brother, who never budges the throne seat and never has a good "aim" :P~~~   
This one's for you, bro!  
  
***  
  
Duo strode indignantly from the bathroom, his face holding a look of disgust. He crossed his arms and looked accusingly at the other Gundam pilots sitting at the table, who were conversing after their breakfast. They looked at Duo as he said angrily, "Somebody has a bad aim." (Note: The guys leave the seat down due to both laziness, and confidence in a certain ability.)  
  
"Whoever it was, fess up! I gotta 'do the two', an' I ain't gonna be cleanin' up after you guys."  
  
Of course, nobody was about to admit who it was, and Duo's impatience was growing rapidly. Everybody glanced at eachother, trying to sense guilt on eachother's faces.  
  
Duo snarled, "Fine! If you don't confess, I'm gonna hafta put a security camera in the bathroom."  
  
Everyone blinked, then got strange looks on their faces. Duo realized that was not the greatest idea and a large drop of sweat gathered on his forhead. But he shook it off and smirked, adding boldly, "AND, I'll make you all watch it!"  
  
Jaws dropped and eyes bugged out.  
  
"That's cruel and unusual punishment!" Quatre stated.  
  
"That is unjust!" Wu Fei exclaimed.  
  
"...don't..." Trowa breathed.  
  
Heero stood up, having been silent through the whole thing. "I have a better idea," he said in his usual monotone. He drew his pistol and aimed it at the closest person, Quatre. "Tell the truth," Heero said, "All of you... Or I will destroy you."  
  
Quatre's eyes were wide as he stared down the barrel of the pistol. "It wasn't me, Heero," he said nervously.  
  
"Quatre..." Heero said assertively. The blonde boy cringed.  
  
"I told you, it wasn't me," he said shakily, "I'd rather admit it than get shot. I promise."  
  
Heero then aimed his gun at Wu Fei. The Chinese boy narrowed his eyes. "I would not do such a vile thing," he snarled.  
  
"Tell the truth, Wu Fei," Heero said blankly.  
  
"Lying is for the weak," Wu Fei growled, "Shoot whoever did it, not me! Justice will be served!!!" Wu Fei then realized he was yelling and standing up. With everyone staring at him, he sat back down, his face beet-red.  
  
Heero aimed at Trowa now. He asked, "Trowa, did you do it?" Trowa shook his head.  
  
"I think you did it," Heero stated.  
  
Trowa shook his head again.  
  
"Aw, this ain't gonna work," Duo exclaimed, "Only one left is you, Heero, an' you wouldn't shoot YOURSELF for lying, cause you wouldn't have done it... would you?"  
  
"I am the perfect soldier," Heero stated, "I do not miss."  
  
"Well geez, how will we find out who it was?" Duo asked, "I gotta go bad!" Then, a lightbulb lit up above his head. "I'll be right back!" He ran off.  
  
"Where is he going?" Quatre wondered.  
  
"...zero..." Trowa muttered.  
  
"The Wing Zero?!" Wu Fei exclaimed, "We have to stop him!"   
  
He began to go after Duo. But Heero said, "Let him go."  
  
"Huh?" Wu Fei stopped.  
  
Heero had his arms crossed and his eyes closed. "The Wing Zero will show him the truth," Heero said in his mechanical tone, "He has used the system enough to have control for a short period of time. He is only a danger to the guilty now."  
  
"I will be true to my own sense of integrity," Wu Fei growled, heading after Duo again. Quatre sipped his tea nervously. Trowa sat there silently.   
  
Outside, Wu Fei was too late as Duo was already in the Wing Zero. "Ha," Duo said, "Now we'll see who-done-it!" He rose the Gundam to its full height, its eyes glowing with emerald fury. Wu Fei considered summoning Nataku, but decided the sight of another mobile suit would drive the Wing Zero into a battle-frenzy. So he wisely marched back into the hotel where the crew were staying.  
  
"Now, Wing Zero," Duo demanded, "Show the God of Death who dares to challenge his wrath!" Before his eyes, flashes of light drove his eyes out of focus, but he forced them to clear again. He must stay in control. He must know the truth!  
  
Then, Duo saw him! The face of the culprit appeared before him. Duo gasped, eyes wide. "How... how can it be?!" he exclaimed. Then his eyes narrowed.  
  
The Wing Zero's archangel wings spread and it sped through the air, heading to a distant place.  
  
Heero watched from the window. "It is not as I thought," he stated. He turned to the others. "Follow him. If it comes down to it, destroy him."  
  
Everyone got up and rushed for the door.  
  
Just then Relena entered and was passed by the Gundam pilots. "What's their hurry?" she asked as she came to the table.  
  
Heero brought up his gun. "I will destroy you," he said emotionlessly.  
  
"Yeah, fine," Relina said absently, waving her hand dismissively as she skimmed over the newspaper.  
  
***  
  
When the three Gundams found the Wing Zero, it was perched atop a mountain above the long-demolished Sanq Kingdom. Ahead of the Gundam was the Epyon, poised upon another peak, its demonic wings spread. The others stopped to witness what was going on.  
  
"How can it be?!" Duo's voice cracked, the Wing Zero gesturing dramatically. Then it drew its sword as Duo screamed, "HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET INTO OUR BATHROOM!?!" He leaped the Wing Zero straight at the Epyon. The demon Gundam swung its flaming sabre upward, catching the Wing Zero's blade.  
  
"I find no need to tell you," Zechs said, his voice strained as he drove the Wing Zero back, "Besides, desperate times call for desperate measures." He swung the Epyon sabre down at the Wing Zero's head. Duo managed to shield the impact, and drove the Wing Zero's sword inward at Epyon's exposed flank, but Zechs already flew back, dodging it. Duo took chase.  
  
"Trespasser!" The God of Death cried, his eyes demonic with the hold of the Zero," You will pay for my dump delay! Even if you don't reveal how you got in, you're dead!"  
  
The other Gundam pilots could only watch as the titans battled. They seemed evenly matched, and the fight was beyond their level. "How can we stop them?" asked Quatre.  
  
"...they will..." Trowa stated quietly.  
  
"What do you mean they will stop?" Wu Fei asked demandingly.  
  
"......." Trowa answered.  
  
Finally, both combatants broke away momentarily, smoke and dust fogging the battlefield in a cloud. Both Gundams were in good condition, but the pilots were sweating and tired.  
  
Then, Zechs's voice said, "I see you are worthy of the next level."  
  
"What do you mean?" Duo asked.  
  
In reply, shoulder gattling guns, wrist ionic blasters, knee lasers, and a beam cannon all appeared on the Epyon.  
  
"What?!?" everyone exclaimed. The Epyon had been only for close-quarters battling. How did it get guns?! Duo readied the Wing Zero's weapons and, battle-cries drowned out by buzzing energy, both mechanical monsters began exchanging firepower in an earth-quaking, soul-shaking battle to the death!  
  
"HOW DARE YOU USE OUR BATHROOM!?!" Duo screamed, being thrown back by his own gun's momentum as he fired.  
  
Zechs dodged by a hairsbredth and returned with laser blasts, shouting, "I HAD TO GO BAD, DANG IT!"  
  
Duo shielded the blasts, but jumped aside as the beams were boring through the shield. "How did you get in then?!" He backed his demand with a large, charged shot.  
  
"A master never reveals his secrets," Zechs answered. He was hit in the chest, but shook it off and thrust Epyon's knee into Wing Zero's abdomen, releasing a point-blank laser blast. Duo screamed as the cockpit was rent visciously, "BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO MAKE A MESS!" Duo grabbed Epyon's shoulders with Wing Zero's massive arms. "NOW YOU'LL PAY, YOU TOILET WEASEL!"  
  
He reached for the self-detonation device.  
  
"NOOO!" Zechs screamed.  
  
"NOOO!" Wu Fei cried.  
  
"NOOO!" Quatre yelled.  
  
"noooo," Trowa said almost loudly.  
  
But then Duo's hand stopped. His eyes widened and his jaw went slack. His crazed eyes slid back into focus. He blinked, then let go of the controlls. He looked at his shaking hand. "I... I..." he stammered, "I..... GOTTA GO BAAAAAD!!!" He leaped from the cockpit, hit the ground running, and desperately began to search the Sanq Kingdom ruins... for an intact toilet.  
  
"What?" Zechs exclaimed, "Come back! This fight is not finished!" He pushed the Wing Zero back and took out his thermal-electric scourge (the Epyon's whip) and yelled, "I will finish you!" He raised the whip over the building Duo was in.  
  
Suddenly, another giant hand gripped the Epyon's wrist. It was Noin in her mobile suit! She tore the scourge from Zechs's grip.  
  
"Noin?!" Zechs exclaimed.  
  
"Shut up!" she yelled, holding up the whip. The Epyon cringed.  
  
"Please, Noin," Zechs whimpered pleadingly, "Don't be angry--"  
  
"SHADDAP!" She whipped the Epyon. "Go home!" she commanded. Whimpering, Zechs in the Epyon was driven back to his estate, Noin keeping his pace rapid.  
  
The Sandrock knelt down and Quatre emerged from the cockpit. He ran to the half-demolished, overgrown building Duo was in and tapped on the half-closed, half-broken door. "Duo?" he said.  
  
"Quatre?" Duo answered from inside, "Hey man, do you happen to have any toilet paper on ya?"  
  
"I'm afraid not, Duo," Quatre answered, lowering his head.  
  
"This is SO uncool," Duo sighed.  
  
***  
  
***Epillogue***  
  
***  
  
Wu Fei strode indignantly from the bathroom, his face holding a look of disgust. He crossed his arms and looked accusingly at the other Gundam pilots sitting at the table, who were conversing after their breakfast. They looked at Wu Fei as he said angrily, "Somebody put my toothbrush in the toilet!"  
  
THE END  
  
(In the background, we hear Wu Fei screaming, "Justice! Justice will be served! I vow upon the spilled blood of my colony that the acrid taste of revenge shall be in the mouth of he who did this, killing them with its poison! My toothbrush's sacrafice shall NOT go unpunished! JUSTICE!") 


End file.
